Nothing

I’ve tried to say goodbye,
over and over,
stretching silence
until I break.
I always find a reason
to reach for you again.
You never notice
I’ve been gone.

You are a part of my every day,
a solid presence in my mind.
My heart wouldn’t be the same without you.

I sleep, wondering if I’ll find you waiting
where I see you, talk to you,
touch your face without fear.
Knowing acceptance.
The caring, loving friend I want you to be.

But, that is an illusion, unreal,
made up from stories and conversations
that never happened
and never will.

In truth, you show so little of your real self.
I show too much for comfort.
Or do I not know how to see?
Questions I’m afraid to ask
never sure I want to know the answers.

Silence wounds me,
my insecure heart
painting distain on your face.
My thoughts tumble out
undisciplined, imperfect, terrifying,
to fill the gray spaces.

But I don’t want to say goodbye.
You helped me untangle my world
when life was filled with chaos.
You helped me understand his thoughts
when I was lost.

I don’t want to say goodbye.
You challenge me to be brave,
to say how I feel.
You helped shape who I am
and teach me who I can be.

I don’t want to say goodbye,
but I want more from you
than you can give,
and I want to give
more than you will take.
If I want you in my life,
what you will allow
has to be enough.

Still, there are threads
of the illusion in the reality,
and reality in the illusion.
When they are hopelessly frayed,
I will say goodbye.