Progression

i.
 
The safe answer to hard questions?
My answer. His questions.
They send me spinning
doubting myself
my feelings
my motives
eroding what I was sure of.
Projecting his uncertainty and insecurity onto me,
making me wonder if I know my own heart,
wonder if I can trust myself, my reactions,
my perceptions.
Sending me examining every word
every thought
for unrecognized betrayal.
 
 
ii.
 
Thinking thinking thinking
Endless circles in my head.
Trapped
in something less than sanity.
Trying to use logic
to decipher emotion,
to read between lines
where there really is
nothing but blank spaces.
 
Pushing pushing pushing
for reassurance
of some affection
that never comes.
Just the same response
that begins to feel
like an evasion.
But heart friends
are honest,
even when it hurts,
so it must be true.
 
Talking talking talking
with imperfect words
just makes things worse.
Can’t make my meanings clear
through filters
of past experience
and my panicked attempts
to explain myself.
Too many apologies
but seemingly never enough.
 
 
iii.
 
Don’t show who you are
Don’t show what you feel
A lesson once known
bone deep,
forgotten.
Guard let down
opens me to pain again.
 
A slender thread
so easily broken
where I thought
there was steel.
Another wrong word
and you’ll be gone.
 
Silence is my punishment
for trying to get
too close,
pushing too hard
for affection.
But acceptance
doesn’t mean
I don’t care anymore.
 
I don’t know
how to resign myself
to my true role.
Beloved friend
to
acquaintance
in a heartbeat.
The reality
I should have seen.
 
How do I go from this loss
to pleasant nostalgia?
I don’t want
to hurt myself
on you
anymore.
I’m still bleeding.
 
I have to let you go.